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Free to what?

Jul 7th, 2010
by Matt.
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So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They answered him, “We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, ‘You will become free’?”

Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. I know that you are offspring of Abraham; yet you seek to kill me because my word finds no place in you. I speak of what I have seen with my Father, and you do what you have heard from your father.”

John 8:31-38

During this past fourth of July weekend I was reflecting on just how much I have learned over the past year, and how free we all truly are. One thing this past year has impressed upon me is just how much we are slaves to sin. As humans, as sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, we are all affected by the fall of creation.  I’m not talking about dealing with the consequences of our actions, though that is surely true, I’m talking about things beyond our control.  I’m talking about the people who suffer with mental disorders they did nothing to deserve.  I’m talking about our neighbors who deal with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, autism, sexual disorders…the list goes on and on.

What did they do to deserve the prision they live in?

So paralyzed by anxiety that they can’t leave the house.

So down by depression that they can’t enjoy life.

So controlled by substance abuse they can’t think of anything else.

So hindered by autism they have a hard time relating to others.

So consumed by a sexual disorder they can’t look at others without lustful thoughts.

The prison of sin and the imperfections of man are not simply consequences of our actions…as much as we would like them to be.  They are consequences that go back to the dawn of time, to our broken world and our imperfect bodies. 

So what do we do?  With our brokenness? With our imperfection? With our sinful nature?  We love each other, as Christ has loved us.  We put ourselves aside to help the odd, the different, the hurting.  It’s not pretty, and it won’t win us any popularity contests, but it is following Christ’s example to love the others as He loved us.

For freedom Christ has set us free from the bondage of sin and death.  Let’s use that freedom to follow those two ultimate commands he taught us: Love God and Love each other.

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Posted in: Faith.
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[Not so] Hidden garbage

Jul 1st, 2010
by Matt.
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I was walking around town a while back when I came across this big, old, beautiful church that was flying these big banners out front advertising it’s upcoming anniversary. It was a pretty impressive sight from a distance. However, as I got closer I noticed this big pile of trash just inside the front door. My guess is they are in the middle of remodeling or something.

It struck me as I saw this just how appropriate a metaphor for what happens in so many churches this was. Either as individuals, or as local congregations we put on these fronts of being these big, beautiful creations that do our best to please God. However, on the inside we have piles of junk building up, and we are so scared that if we open ourselves up to the much needed work of renovation that we will expose our true inner, messy selves to the world.

The sad thing is, I believe this is the exact opposite of what the Bible teaches us to do. Jesus spoke of the religious leaders of the day as whitewashed tombs, and spoke out against polishing our outward appearance at the expense of our spiritual and emotional health.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Matthew 23:27&28

The other sad part is rarely do we really fool anyone.  Anyone we let within ten yards of us can usually figure out our brokenness.  If we’re not willing to talk about it the only ones we’re really hurting are ourselves.  By hiding our sin and our brokenness we are only enabling it to remain and fester, making us more broken in the long run.

As you go about this day think about this.  Think about what brokenness you, your family, small group or church are hiding from others.  What is festering that is keeping you from truly experiencing the healing that God offers.

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Breakups suck…

Jun 28th, 2010
by Matt.
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…I wish there was an easier way to put it.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with someone for two months or twenty years ending a relationship is no fun. It doesn’t matter if the relationship ends because someone has been unfaithful, or just a mutual understanding that it’s time to end it; break-ups hurt.

Too often people want to deny that hurt. It’s easier to believe that they are better off without the relationship and that they should be able to move on easily. After all, they were single before, and survived, they should be able to do it again. Right?

Many times they are right.  The problem is romantic relationships change our trajectory in life. Instead of being a single person with a direction of our own, we begin to imagine…to dream of a different future with that special someone. We dream about what our lives will be like together, and life can never be the same because of it. The end of a relationship, even when it is for good reasons, is the death of a dream, and as a wise pastor once told me: “It’s very hard to accept the death of a dream”.

I’m not writing this to make you feel guilty about the end of a relationship, rather to help anyone reading this understand that it’s ok to feel hurt and saddened. It is through mourning our dashed dreams that we often come to realize new ones.

I also write this to those out there who are holding onto a dream that will never become a reality. Who are stuck in a relationship that will never fulfill your needs or desires…maybe it’s time to let go of this particular dream.

Allow yourself to mourn this dream, and know that God has greater dreams in store for you.

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”

1 Corinthians 2:9 

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Posted in: Life.
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What about the Fatherless?

Jun 22nd, 2010
by Matt.
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I was reflecting yesterday, in the aftermath of Father’s day, about how maybe the Monday after fathers day should be a national holiday for everyone who doesn’t have a father, or has a broken relationship with their father. An anti-fathers day for all those folks to take a day and get some angst out.

Growing up in church I got used to hearing the Father’s day message that celebrate fathers for being who they are.  This message always points toward our Lord and Creator as the ultimate Father, and gives a shout out to those without fathers or with bad father experiences by offering the love of God as a substitute of sorts.  In the past I’ve always thought of this as a neat promise, but this year it seemed to ring hollow to me. On the one hand I know that promise is true, but when all you know is a father who has been absent, abusive, uncaring, unfaithful or neglectful, why would you want another father? And to take it further, if God would give you a earthly father who was all those things, then why would you believe He cared for you?

I’ve been thinking about what to do about this, as a father, and as a Christian man. 

First as a father it’s made me realize even more that I need to be the kind of Father that God would have me be, and that God is.  Being a parent is not an easy job, actually it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had.  However, if I want my kids to know that there is a God who is loving, compassionate, caring and accepting than I need to be all those things, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

As a Christian man I’m realizing it’s important to acknowledge the failures of fathers.  Not as a way of passing judgment, but as a way of recognizing the hurt in others.  Unless we realize the hurt that fathers have caused (and if I’m honest the hurt I cause as well) the promise of a Father in Heaven who loves unconditionally rings hollow.  If we miss the depth of hurt in others, make blanket statements that there is a Father in Heaven who cares, and do nothing to prove that point, then we have missed His calling in our lives.  We are called to be salt and light to the earth, to be a reflection of God’s love here on earth and that means that we too are called to be a father to the fatherless.  Not that we can ever truly replace the love of a father, but we can offer love, compassion and acceptance in a way that brings healing and points to the Love of our Father in Heaven.

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Posted in: Family.
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Shouldn’t this be easy!?

Jun 10th, 2010
by Matt.
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I’m not sure why, but our culture has embraced the idea that romantic relationships should be easy…all the time.
I wish that were the case.

However, when I meet with couples…heck when I think about my own marriage, I think it’s only through the grace of God that anyone is ever happy.

Think about it, you take two different people with different personalities, different driving forces, different backgrounds, different expectations (I could keep going) and put them together and say from now on you should have the same goals, same expectations, same desires, and on top of it you should always be happy and have romantic feelings for each other. How can any couple live up to that?

The truth is:  good, healthy, Godly relationships take constant work, constant communication, constatant evaluation of where things are, and where things are going.  Doing this takes more than just talking with each other;  it also means setting aside your personal wishes and desires in order to hear what the other person needs. It also means being able to separate for yourself what you want and what you need from the relationship.

As the Rolling Stones sang: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try somtime you just might find you get what you need.”

The messages around us tell us that our relationships should be able to meet what we want, all the time. But that’s not realistic. Instead, try to focus on what you both need, in the end hopefully you will find joy and contentment with each other.

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Posted in: Life.
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Getting away

May 18th, 2010
by Matt.
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My wife and I are doing something extremely important this weekend: we are taking off and going away.

Honestly, it’s overdue, and we feel it. It’s been almost two years since our last vacation, and longer since our last vacation away from our kids.

Now, we love our life, and we love our kids, but God commanded us to take a sabbath, and sometimes just one day isn’t enough. For us, this is one of those times.

I hear all kinds of excuses from people about why they can’t do this, or can’t afford it. But a lot of the time they are just excuses. For many, the truth is that finding time to plan something like this is overwhelming. But it needs to happen. For us, we’re not doing anything extravagant, and nothing that takes a lot of planning. I don’t want to ruin it, because most of it is a surprise for my wife, but it’s simple, it’s relaxing, and it’s time away from our hectic lives.

If you haven’t had a vacation lately, make time, get away, enjoy some simplicity.  Use the time to reconnect with yourself, with loved ones and with God. 

I’ll check in again next week with some more about our time.

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Posted in: Life.
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Establishing Independence…it’s harder than you think

May 11th, 2010
by Matt.
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Children who throw temper tantrums, push boundaries, explore their independence, try on new personalities.

Sounds like the terrible twos, huh?

Actually, I think the terrible twos are just a primer for parents to prepare them for adolescence.

Granted, adolescents go through a different set of issues, but they go through the same basic process of discovering their own identity separate from their parents.

In parents it creates the same feelings of fear, anger, angst, anxiety and general AHHHHHH!

However, those feelings we have, as much as we would like to attribute them to our children, are more about us. Adolescents grow up, and as they do they need us less and do more on their own. Much like a toddler taking their first steps we watch expectantly, but fearing that first fall, and the second and the third. But there is a sense of loss too. They won’t need us any more. They won’t need us to remind them to do their homework, or brush their teeth, or be polite, or work hard. If we’ve done our jobs right they will start to do those things on their own.

Now I know, you read this and you think “I’d love for my kid to start brushing their teeth without being reminded!”.  But we have to remind ourselves, that along the way they will mess up.  Just like a toddler they will have moments where they fall, and we will need to pick them back up, kiss the hurt for them, and send them back on their way. Ok, if we’re honest, they will have lots of those moments. But also like a toddler, we have to give them the opportunity, or they will not get there as effectively as they could.

It’s scary, it’s tiring, and lots of times we think: “will they ever get there?”.   We also feel that when they mess up, and don’t do things the way we wish they did that it’s a reflection of us, that we’re bad parents.  The truth is that they will get there.  Those important lessons we have impressed on them in childhood will stick.  It will take time, and they will make mistakes, but eventually, with time and love, the lessons will stick.

So if you are the parent of an adolescent reading this today take comfort in knowing we are all in this together.  It’s not just you, and it’s not just your kid.  Reach out to your friends, family, and if need be professionals when you are feeling overwhelmed and need some help.  Doing that doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a good one.

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Posted in: Family, For Parents.
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Breaking a habit

Mar 15th, 2010
by Matt.
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I like to swim. It’s the number one thing I do to take care of my body. A couple months ago I noticed a bad habit in my stroke, more specifically in my turn. I have no idea how long I’ve been doing it, probably for years. So, after I noticed it I focused on changing it every time I swam for two weeks.  During those two weeks, on every turn I have made I have made an effort to do it more “right”. I swim twice a week, and swim an average of 80 laps every time I swim, so that means in the past two weeks I have practiced doing my turn more “right” 320 times. At the end I was getting better, but even after 320 times it still didn’t feel natural. Actually, when I start to get tired toward the end of my workout I typically revert right back into my old habit.

What am I trying to say?

It’s OK to fail:  If you are trying to break an old habit, maybe it’s something physical, or relational, or behavioral, it’s going to take a lot of practice. Don’t get down on yourself when you slip back into old habits. If you do, chances are you’ll just slip further into that habit.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Maybe you’re really good and you get it the first time. Maybe you’re more like me and it takes 320 times, but don’t be afraid to fail.

Find a good coach: If I had been swimming with a coach for the past few years I’m sure they would have pointed this problem out ot me years ago. Find a mentor who is willing to point out your bad habits. Also, find someone who is willing to have patience with you and who will encourage you to have patience with yourself.

I’m going to be talking about habits and addictions on this blog more in the future, but for now I feel the need to add that addictions and compulsions can often be harder, nastier and trickier to break than simple bad habits.  They often are rooted deep within our soul, and relapsing just one time can bring you back to ground zero.  Find help.  Get yourself a good counselor and/or find a support group that specializes in whatever you are struggling with.

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Posted in: Life.
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Taking care of yourself

Mar 5th, 2010
by Matt.
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The last couple posts have been pretty heavy, so let’s end this week on a lighter note.  I’ve been struggling with the idea lately of how to take care of myself when I am busy, frustrated, anxious, depressed. I go over this with all my clients…but when I’m honest I’m really bad about doing it myself.

So I’m making a resolution to begin taking better care of myself…and you should to. Go for a walk, go exercise, throw a ball around, shoot some hoops, take a nap, play video games, read a book. Whatever it is that makes you feel better about yourself, go do it!

What I’ve come to learn is that even though it seems selfish, it’s is quiet the opposite. When I do a better job of taking care of myself, I’m more available for my family, friends and clients…I do a better job of taking care of them. So do your loved ones a favor today, and do something for you.

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Posted in: Life.
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Feeling your way through the darkness

Mar 2nd, 2010
by Matt.
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Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it from clients, pastors…even myself. “Why God, won’t you take this darkness from me!” I’ve talked in the past couple posts about how sometimes all we need to do is put our trust in God, rest in him, spend more time with him and pray and the darkness will be lifted. I wish it were always that easy, but sometimes it isn’t, and I cringe when I hear good Christian people tell one another that prayer is all it takes.

A wise professor once told me that sometimes God wants us to learn from our darkness, to dwell there for a time. I imagine being stuck in a dark, locked cellar. There are many times when we can just knock and the door will be opened…other times we bang and yell to be let out to no avail.  I know I do it myself a lot…I bang and I bang, asking for God to let me out. But God knows what I need, more than I do. So I give in to the darkness, I explore it, I feel my way through it and discover where I am and what is around me. It’s then, once I know my surroundings that I discover the back door, the one God is waiting at. He greets me with open arms, with rest and I emerge stronger and wiser.

It’s not easy.

It’s not fun.

But sometimes, in order to come out of the darkness we have to turn around, look the darkness in the eye and acknowledge it. By acknowledging it and exploring it we begin to understand it, and it loses it’s power.

David understood this when he wrote this Psalm, and if there was any character in the Bible who understood darkness it was David.

If you are struggling with this go back and read Psalm 10. After the introduction at the top he goes on to describe why he feels abandoned by God, why he feels God is not answering, and in the end he concludes:

The Lord is king forever and ever;
the nations perish from his land.
O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.
Psalm 10:16-18

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Posted in: Life.
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