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Taking care of yourself

The last couple posts have been pretty heavy, so let’s end this week on a lighter note.  I’ve been struggling with the idea lately of how to take care of myself when I am busy, frustrated, anxious, depressed. I go over this with all my clients…but when I’m honest I’m really bad about doing it myself.

So I’m making a resolution to begin taking better care of myself…and you should to. Go for a walk, go exercise, throw a ball around, shoot some hoops, take a nap, play video games, read a book. Whatever it is that makes you feel better about yourself, go do it!

What I’ve come to learn is that even though it seems selfish, it’s is quiet the opposite. When I do a better job of taking care of myself, I’m more available for my family, friends and clients…I do a better job of taking care of them. So do your loved ones a favor today, and do something for you.

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Feeling your way through the darkness

Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it from clients, pastors…even myself. “Why God, won’t you take this darkness from me!” I’ve talked in the past couple posts about how sometimes all we need to do is put our trust in God, rest in him, spend more time with him and pray and the darkness will be lifted. I wish it were always that easy, but sometimes it isn’t, and I cringe when I hear good Christian people tell one another that prayer is all it takes.

A wise professor once told me that sometimes God wants us to learn from our darkness, to dwell there for a time. I imagine being stuck in a dark, locked cellar. There are many times when we can just knock and the door will be opened…other times we bang and yell to be let out to no avail.  I know I do it myself a lot…I bang and I bang, asking for God to let me out. But God knows what I need, more than I do. So I give in to the darkness, I explore it, I feel my way through it and discover where I am and what is around me. It’s then, once I know my surroundings that I discover the back door, the one God is waiting at. He greets me with open arms, with rest and I emerge stronger and wiser.

It’s not easy.

It’s not fun.

But sometimes, in order to come out of the darkness we have to turn around, look the darkness in the eye and acknowledge it. By acknowledging it and exploring it we begin to understand it, and it loses it’s power.

David understood this when he wrote this Psalm, and if there was any character in the Bible who understood darkness it was David.

If you are struggling with this go back and read Psalm 10. After the introduction at the top he goes on to describe why he feels abandoned by God, why he feels God is not answering, and in the end he concludes:

The Lord is king forever and ever;
the nations perish from his land.
O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.
Psalm 10:16-18

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Finding Rest

To say that my family and I have gone through some changes over the past year would be a bit of an understatement. We added a baby to the family, I finished my graduate degree and started a new job, we sold our home, moved into a temporary housing situation, and then bought a new home. And that’s not to mention all the smaller [big] changes that have happened along with that process. My son has changed schools twice, my other children have switched day care providers, my commute has changed…three times…the list goes on.

In the midst of all this there are times, like today when I just feel tired, worn out and beat down. I drop details. I move slowly. I’m not as good a husband, father, counselor, friend, brother or friend as I want to be.

Through this process my wife and I have had a reoccurring conversation. When one of us is frustrated like I am today, the other attempts to lovingly and patiently reaffirm the other. We try to let the other know that it’s ok, that we’ve been through a lot of change, and it will take time to get back to “normal”. Most of all we try to communicate our love to each other.

I wish we did it perfectly, but sometimes we just don’t have the energy or patience to take care of each other the way we should. We are only human after all. It does remind me though that we have a God who is much more than human, who doesn’t just attempt to love us in that way, but does love us in that way if we are willing to recieve it. He offers us solace and rest. He offers us unconditional love and acceptance. He knows our stresses, and when we are not doing as well as we would like still tells us “with you I am pleased”.

If you are feeling like I am today, tired and worn out, take time to rest in Him. He is waiting:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:2-30

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The peace of Habakkuk

Oh Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear?
Habakkuk 1:2

I hear this question asked by clients all the time. Sometimes they ask it out loud, but usually not. Usually it’s more of an attitude: hopeless, helpless and scared.

I think we all feel this way at some point in our lives. We cry out to God out of our anger, despair, depression, frustration, sorrow…the list goes on.

The truth is God is there, we are just too hurting to see. Or we can’t fathom what He is doing, so we don’t see.

I love God’s response to Habakkuk:

Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.
Habakkuk 1:5

The truth is, God is there, and we simply do not see, for whatever reason.

To some people simply this reassurance is all that is needed. The knowledge that God is there working in ways that we can’t understand or imagine.

If you are one of those people than take solace in the book of Habakkuk, and sing out like he did:

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor the fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food
the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no heard in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me treat on my high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

If you are not one of those people, if just knowing that God is there working in mysterious ways is not enough, that is ok too.  Just remember, God offers us peace that passes all understanding.  Trusting that he is with you and before you in the adventure of life is one of the first steps to gaining that peace…but more on that later.

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It’s never too early

Here’s a sneak preview of an article I’m working on for Vital Sources next community newsletter.  It is a sort of follow up to this post by my supervisor who blogs over at Christian Psychologist Talk.

What was a time as an adult that I had a meaningful conversation with my parents about our relationship?  That is the question that began this article.  I was stumped, I have a great relationship with my parents, but I could not think about a single earth-shattering conversation we have had since I’ve been an adult.  What I came to realize was not that we haven’t had those conversations. On the contrary, we have them so often they seem normal.  When I figured that out I realized we’ve been having those conversations ever since I was a little kid. 

From as far back as I can remember my parents understood that if they wanted to have a good relationship with me communication was key.  So they worked hard to set that example.  If I did something that made them upset, or sad, happy or proud, they let me know.  They talked to me about their feelings, and let me know what I did to make them feel that way.  In addition they offered the invitation to talk to them, and they continued to offer that invitation again, and again and again.  Sure there were times I didn’t want to talk…there were a lot of times I did not want to talk.  But in the end I knew that their attention and understanding were there.  I knew that they would always listen, and at least attempt to understand what I was feeling.  In the end that invitation has continued to adulthood and now my parents are also some of my best friends.  We talk about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Their good example has led to much more than just our good relationship: it has also led to how I parent my adolescent boy and young girls.  It is hard work, and I don’t do it perfectly, but I try to focus primarily on two things when I interact with my kids.  Let me pass them onto you:

First, meet your kids where they are.  We can’t always wait for our kids to come to us, we have to go to them.  Plan family times together to talk, play or read.  Plan one on one times with your kids to relate and have fun.  In between go to your children on a regular basis.  Talk over what they are doing, thinking and feeling, and tell them what that makes you want to do, think and feel.  If you have young kids name their emotions for them, let them know that it’s ok to have feelings before addressing actions and behaviors, both good ones and bad ones.  If you have adolescents, be patient.  Sometimes trying to talk to an adolescent can feel about as effective as banging your head against a wall.  Believe me, they notice and appreciate the effort, even if they aren’t ready to talk.

Second, be ready for when they ask to talk.  Make the “Come unto me” invitation over and over again.  When they want to talk they will, so make sure they feel welcome.  Make time when they are ready, and if you can’t talk right away plan some time ASAP.  When you do talk let them know that you heard them, even if what they said upsets you.  Remember that they came to you, thank them for that, and invite them back again.

I realize that I am extraordinarily blessed to have the adult friendship with my parents that I have.  The norm between parents and children today seems to be an uneasy bond where joys and frustrations are often left unsaid.  Being a parent myself has made me realize just how much work it takes to create good communication between parents and children.  Don’t wait until your children are adults to begin to build the foundation of communication that helps create a good relationship.  It is never too early to start.

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Getting Started

Welcome to the new blog home of Matt Otto.  I am a Christian Counselor who lives and works in the Frederick, Maryland area.  I work with clients from all walks of life, but my passion is working with adolescents and young adults as they navigate the often turbulant process of growing up and learning who they are.  I typically discuss practical, psychological and spiritual issues with my clients, and this blog is going to reflect that.

If you don’t fit into the demographic above please don’t leave just yet.  I hope to present biblical and psychological information in a way that can be helpful to anyone, regardless of where they are coming from.  I like to do this with a personal and light-hearted tone that reflects who I am, and lets you know that even though in these posts I may seem to know the answers I’m really just as confused as anybody about how to work through issues of life, faith and family.

For those of you who journeyed with me in my previous blog endeavor welcome back!  You can expect the same honest but light-hearted tone on serious topics, but this time there will be less personal posts and the overall emphasis will be more on individual growth and less on Church life and Christian culture. 

Finally, one piece of business:  I am a licensed Psychological Associate, but this blog is not meant to be therapy, it is a public forum.  You may find these posts helpful, but if you are experiencing serious distress they are not a replacement for therapy.  Likewise this blog does not have the same confidentiality standards as a therapy session and any comments you leave can be seen by anyone.  Think before you post. 

One final note:  I still haven’t decided on a name for the new blog.  Any suggestions?

Once again, welcome to my new blog.  Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you decide to visit again.

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