Matt Otto

Here’s a sneak preview of an article I’m working on for Vital Sources next community newsletter.  It is a sort of follow up to this post by my supervisor who blogs over at Christian Psychologist Talk.

What was a time as an adult that I had a meaningful conversation with my parents about our relationship?  That is the question that began this article.  I was stumped, I have a great relationship with my parents, but I could not think about a single earth-shattering conversation we have had since I’ve been an adult.  What I came to realize was not that we haven’t had those conversations. On the contrary, we have them so often they seem normal.  When I figured that out I realized we’ve been having those conversations ever since I was a little kid. 

From as far back as I can remember my parents understood that if they wanted to have a good relationship with me communication was key.  So they worked hard to set that example.  If I did something that made them upset, or sad, happy or proud, they let me know.  They talked to me about their feelings, and let me know what I did to make them feel that way.  In addition they offered the invitation to talk to them, and they continued to offer that invitation again, and again and again.  Sure there were times I didn’t want to talk…there were a lot of times I did not want to talk.  But in the end I knew that their attention and understanding were there.  I knew that they would always listen, and at least attempt to understand what I was feeling.  In the end that invitation has continued to adulthood and now my parents are also some of my best friends.  We talk about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Their good example has led to much more than just our good relationship: it has also led to how I parent my adolescent boy and young girls.  It is hard work, and I don’t do it perfectly, but I try to focus primarily on two things when I interact with my kids.  Let me pass them onto you:

First, meet your kids where they are.  We can’t always wait for our kids to come to us, we have to go to them.  Plan family times together to talk, play or read.  Plan one on one times with your kids to relate and have fun.  In between go to your children on a regular basis.  Talk over what they are doing, thinking and feeling, and tell them what that makes you want to do, think and feel.  If you have young kids name their emotions for them, let them know that it’s ok to have feelings before addressing actions and behaviors, both good ones and bad ones.  If you have adolescents, be patient.  Sometimes trying to talk to an adolescent can feel about as effective as banging your head against a wall.  Believe me, they notice and appreciate the effort, even if they aren’t ready to talk.

Second, be ready for when they ask to talk.  Make the “Come unto me” invitation over and over again.  When they want to talk they will, so make sure they feel welcome.  Make time when they are ready, and if you can’t talk right away plan some time ASAP.  When you do talk let them know that you heard them, even if what they said upsets you.  Remember that they came to you, thank them for that, and invite them back again.

I realize that I am extraordinarily blessed to have the adult friendship with my parents that I have.  The norm between parents and children today seems to be an uneasy bond where joys and frustrations are often left unsaid.  Being a parent myself has made me realize just how much work it takes to create good communication between parents and children.  Don’t wait until your children are adults to begin to build the foundation of communication that helps create a good relationship.  It is never too early to start.